Really, Twilight? Really??

I cannot walk through the halls of my high school without seeing copies of Twilight nestled in student arms. Yet I resisted reading the first book of the Twilight series, despite numerous student claims regarding its awesomeness.

Then I fell. I borrowed a copy. This same pattern began over twenty years ago with cabbage patch dolls. I thought they were the ugliest dolls I had ever seen, but by the end of the craze I succumbed and became the proud mother of Olive Sheila. I tend to resist fads then jump on them like a crazy fiend just as the fad becomes nerdy. It's just my style. I've made my peace with it.

Anyway, reading Twilight was eye opening. I could not believe so many young girls loved this book! Not even that, I also heard about adult professional women who loved this book. That's insane! What were they thinking?!

I shouldn't be too harsh in my analysis. First, I read the book months ago. Second, there must be something of value here to make so many readers gaga (and not the good kind of gaga, the Lady kind) over this series. But I have three main complaints that I have to list here and now:

1. Bella ain't no heroine! Yes, I said it with improper grammar to add emphasis. She's in love with a boy who potentially could kill her and yet she's irresistibly drawn to him? This isn't a love story, folks; it's the description of an abusive relationship hinging on possible domestic violence. This relationship is just crazy talk. If I had to hear Bella drone on about how beautiful and perfect Edward is in real life, I'd suggest counseling. "I love him, he's perfect, but I'm clumsy, awkward, and unattractive." Okay, Bella, here are a few numbers for support groups. Call them. Pronto.

Seek help, Bella. You have serious issues with your self-esteem.

2. Editing. There doesn't seem to be any here at all. Give me a weekend and a red pen and this bad boy is down to a reasonable 150-170 pages. About 300 pages contain the following message: Edward is beautiful and perfect. He's too good for me, he might kill me, but I love him so much.

Okay. Maybe I could edit it down to two sentences.

Oh, yeah. This might be my devotion to the flash fiction genre and tight, concise writing, but a few thousand less adverbs. Please!!! (I'm begging you, Stephenie Meyer. Begging for less adverbs.)

3. Vampires do NOT sparkle. I know, I know. Vampires are the product of the human imagination and fascination with immortality, death, and sex. Therefore, any rules about behavior, causes, conditions, etc., can be broken or thrown out the window.

But I don't care. They do NOT sparkle. Especially in the sun. This is just the antithesis of everything I know and love about vampires. (Thank you, Anne Rice, thank you. The teenager in me misses you like crazy right now.)

And that is my first reaction to Twilight. On to New Moon...